Earlier, I have thought that I resort to certain online communication because I can channel my anger. I found myself visiting my Goodreads & my Tripadvisor repeatedly. Earlier, I had taken to answering on Quora.Built-up frustration about the "human condition" or more specifically the "current situation in the country" (which is hardly very specific, but lately I have been feeling very antagonistic towards philosophers, who have "thought" only about human males, (& this is second hand information, as I have read none of the "masters", & do not intend to either, which is a sort of self-fulfilling prophesy, which I acknowledge, but I am content in it. Life is too short to read ancient old bearded man's self-righteous whining) & in this context, it does specify what I am talking about, & the men who studied "the human condition" certainly did not even consider women human,
let alone a woman from a non-European country, which brings us to the chest-thumping about how India is a Godess-worshiping culture...) the futile & losing battle against the social media, (which is so conspicuously designed to hook & addict, that even kids know the features which are dumb & senseless, but so effectively hooking & addicting that the child is actually gone, I have lost my child to Zuckerberg & Spiegel. I cannot compete with them. I lose the only thing I have - the relationship with my child, & I am so ill-equipped against the multi-billionaires.) & my own ADD, which has, since my teenage, prevented me from fulfilling the potential of my intelligence & "talent". That I retort to certain agents who just would not send complete information, that I pull up TPA employees who would not pick their calls to the extent that they might lose their job, that I spiff the questions on Quora which seem sarcastic or insincere, to vent my rant, my bottled up annoyance, so that I do not burst out on my already strained relationships, & do not implode. That this was my need, to air out my "negative" emotions.
I was bitter & restless this morning. Recently, I have been thinking about the practical -social- implications of the decision to get a piece of agricultural land. It is still nascent, we have not received the registration documents of any single land that we have seen, & already, "tradition" has entered this. A "token amount" of Rs 11000/- will have to be given to the farmer for him to give the documents which we will then get verified by a lawyer in the vicinity. I am wondering how I will interact with the neighbours. They will invariably be completely casteist. Part of them from the oppressor castes will want us to join them in despising the so-called "lower" castes, & everyone who will be less fortunate than us financially will automatically consider himself (or herself, though perps are hardly women) to be the oppressed & will also automatically consider us oppressors, even, have added animosity for Mitthu & me as he sees us as undeserving "princesses", pampered in luxuries. The horrible, rape-porn "Disgrace" gets me so worked up...
Now I am realizing that the need may have been to listen to my own voice. Maybe I am one of those persons in love with the sound of my own voice. I will take that condemnation. Today morning, I was thinking, it is astonishing how small a man I am, & I just refuse to be controlled. There is nothing & nobody that is influenced by me, my opinion, my approval or disapproval. Yet, I refuse to be content in the popular opinion, to "accept" my "place" in the social hierarchy as a conduit to funnel my thinking process, to understand that "we cannot change anything" implies that it is a folly to try to make that change. I am proud of that, & I know that even my being proud makes no difference to anyone. However, if I am the opposite of proud, if I am doubtful to believe in equality simply because the populace does not practise it, if I am "contrite" that I am "contrary" to the established caste-system & politico-economic pecking order), if I agree to participate in caste-based gatherings simply because they are taking place around me, then I stand to significantly lose. My conscience & feel of justice will hurt, my pride & self-concept will be damaged & my self-confidence will suffer.
Those who choose to agree to be mute spectators "for the greater good" have a different value system. I know that those who claim "for the greater good"have vested & staggeringly disparate interests in the status quo. When I realised that I need to revisit my own opinions, I came back here. I could have visited Substack, or made an account on Medium, but really, this is not for outreach, it is for me. I will need to visit this write-up repeatedly, I have a feel of this.