Appreciating : the mother

I wish my mother had aspired for me to be President of the USA!

Just kidding! Well, actually, a little less than kidding.

'Coz, I became what my mother aspired for me - financially self-dependent, mentally independent, valued, sometimes despised, maybe noticed - maybe ignored, but never swept aside.

So, I wish my mother had aspired more for me, like, for me to have my own business, or for me to travel the world - paid ... nah, now I'm really kidding.

Since a very very young age - say 6 or 7 years, I have considered my mother as a fragile being, a thing to take care of, for me to take care of. To protect, to stand up for, to fight for. Fight her mother-in-law, nasty neighbours, inconsiderate co-passengers ... whoever dares wrong my mother.

I am slowly opening my eyes to the fact that she fought for me much more, much more than I fought for her. 

Yes, she has her flaws. Biggest of them being, she could never believe in herself. She never thought anything of herself, she had needs, but never a "being", an "astitv". She could stand up for me, but not for herself. Maybe these are in-born flaws, maybe the result of how she was raised, maybe, in context, in her generation, she ought have had someone to stand up FOR her. There were "auntie"s, where the "uncles" stood up for their wives, but that is not the point of this post.

My mother's greatest quality is her sense of duty. In India, we have this analogy of "bhav saagar taarnaa", which means "sail across the mortal world", as the mortal world is an ocean. My mother has, with help from paid help, of course, & some help from my father, "taar"-ed 2 sets of parents. As long as I have been conscious, I have had a grandparent on deathbed. My paternal grandfather, 5 years bedridden from paralysis, which started from the legs & consumed his entire body. My paternal grandmother, completely blind for the last 11 years of her life, & senile dementia for the last 3. My maternal grandfather ( my maternal grandmother helped in this) Parkinson's disease, & for 2 years, a broken femur, & never got up. Finally my maternal grandmother, (I helped in this. I was adult & living with my mother). She nursed each of these, bedpans & bedsores, till their last breaths.

People who write mushy lovey lines about family, will  be at their wits' ends. I learnt what FAMILY IS.

My mother's best quality is that she is unpretentious. She never presents herself as a "positive", bubbly, happy person. She is not. She is a serious, intense, melancholic person. & such persons have a right to exist in the world. Just because you are "positive" & refuse to look at the news of child abuse happening everyday, does not mean that the evil in the world ceases to exist, nor does it mean that everyone has to similarly turn a blind eye, only someone who sees a problem can do something to solve it.

My mother's most important quality is that she is a survivor. People look upon persons suffering from depression as "of weak mental strength". While the truth is, depression is a disease, as diabetes is a disease, & it happens to anyone, AND, only the STRONGEST SURVIVE DEPRESSION, & keep on functioning, while feeling worse than dead inside. My mother is what strong is.

I have learnt to empathize. I empathize with those who keep all their problems to themselves. I also empathize with those who need an outlet. I empathize with the stoic. I empathize with the needy, weepy, clingy.

I have not only learnt the importance of being able to see the wrong in the world, but also to embrace myself for what I am.

& she raised two women to value themselves, & find their place in the sun, & still have a sense of duty despite having a sense of self, & to know the difference between "your" & "you're", & to still respect people who didn't know this difference, because there is a reason that they don't know, & to call bullshit "bullshit", & to know when to offer a silent shoulder. 

I know she is a difficult person to be around, but she has been around way more difficult, nasty, toxic persons, shunned by a mentality which says 'a woman's "ardhi" - death procession - leaves her in-laws' house, not a woman herself', yet fulfilled her duties towards the people who wrong her so ...

I think she is one heck of a woman, & a very valuable person, & the world is bettered by her existence.